"I’m gay and I OPPOSE same-sex marriage". Read to understand why…

Gay man, Doug Mainwaring, warns about the harm to kids of same-sex marriage:

"Over several years, intellectual honesty led me to some unexpected conclusions: (1) Creating a family with another man is not completely equal to creating a family with a woman, and (2) denying children parents of both genders at home is an objective evil. Kids need and yearn for both."

The Public Interest, March 8th, 2013

“I know in my heart that man is good, that what is right will always eventually triumph, and there is purpose and worth to each and every life.” These words, spoken by Ronald Reagan in 1991, are framed on the wall above my desk. As a gay man, I’ve adopted them as my own, as I’ve entered the national discussion on same-sex marriage.

I wholeheartedly support civil unions for gay and lesbian couples, but I am opposed to same-sex marriage. Because activists have made marriage, rather than civil unions, their goal, I am viewed by many as a self-loathing, traitorous gay. So be it. I prefer to think of myself as a reasoning, intellectually honest human being.

The notion of same-sex marriage is implausible, yet political correctness has made stating the obvious a risky business. Genderless marriage is not marriage at all. It is something else entirely.

Opposition to same-sex marriage is characterized in the media, at best, as clinging to “old-fashioned” religious beliefs and traditions, and at worst, as homophobia and hatred.

I’ve always been careful to avoid using religion or appeals to tradition as I’ve approached this topic. And with good reason: Neither religion nor tradition has played a significant role in forming my stance. But reason and experience certainly have.

Learning from Experience

As a young man, I wasn’t strongly inclined toward marriage or fatherhood, because I knew only homosexual desire.

I first recognized my strong yearning for men at age eight, when my parents took me to see The Sound of Music. While others marveled at the splendor of the Swiss Alps displayed on the huge Cinerama screen, I marveled at the uniformed, blond-haired Rolfe, who was seventeen going on eighteen. That proclivity, once awakened, never faded.

During college and throughout my twenties, I had many close friends who were handsome, athletic, and intelligent, with terrific personalities. I longed to have an intimate relationship with any and all of them. However, I enjoyed something far greater, something which surpassed carnality in every way: philia (the love between true friends)—a love unappreciated by so many because eros is promoted in its stead.

I wouldn’t have traded the quality of my relationships with any of these guys for an opportunity to engage in sex. No regrets. In fact, I always felt like the luckiest man on the planet. Denial didn't diminish or impoverish my life. It made my life experience richer.

Philia love between men is far better, far stronger, and far more fulfilling than erotic love can ever be. But society now promotes the lowest form of love between men while sabotaging the higher forms. Gay culture continues to promote the sexualization of all (viewing one’s self and other males primarily as sexual beings), while proving itself nearly bankrupt when it comes to fostering any other aspect of male/male relationships.

When all my friends began to marry, I began to seriously consider marriage for the first time. The motive of avoiding social isolation may not have been the best, but it was the catalyst that changed the trajectory of my life. Even though I had to repress certain sexual desires, I found marriage to be extremely rewarding.

My future bride and I first met while singing in a youth choir. By the time I popped the question, we had become the very best of friends. “Soul mates” is the term we used to describe each other.

After a couple of years of diligently trying to conceive, doctors informed us we were infertile, so we sought to adopt. That became a long, arduous, heartbreaking process. We ultimately gave up. I had mixed emotions—disappointment tempered by relief.

Out of the blue, a couple of years after we resigned ourselves to childlessness, we were given the opportunity to adopt.

A great shock came the day after we brought our son home from the adoption agency. While driving home for lunch, I was suddenly overcome with such emotion that I had to pull the car off to the side of the road. Never in my life had I experienced such pure, distilled joy and sense of purpose. I kept repeating, “I’m a dad,” over and over again. Nothing else mattered. I knew exactly where I fit in within this huge universe. When we brought home his brother nearly two years later, I was prepared: I could not wait to take him up in my arms and declare our kinship and my unconditional love and irrevocable responsibility for him.

Neither religion nor tradition turned me into a dedicated father. It was something wonderful from within—a great strength that has only grown with time. A complete surprise of the human spirit. In this way and many others, marriage—my bond with the mother of my children—has made me a much better person, a person I had no idea I had the capacity to become.

Intellectual Honesty and Surprise Conclusions

Unfortunately, a few years later my marriage ended—a pain known too easily by too many. At this point, the divorce allowed me to explore my homosexuality for the first time in my life.

At first, I felt liberated. I dated some great guys, and was in a couple of long-term relationships. Over several years, intellectual honesty led me to some unexpected conclusions: (1) Creating a family with another man is not completely equal to creating a family with a woman, and (2) denying children parents of both genders at home is an objective evil. Kids need and yearn for both.

It took some doing, but after ten years of divorce, we began to pull our family back together. We have been under one roof for over two years now. Our kids are happier and better off in so many ways. My ex-wife, our kids, and I recently celebrated Thanksgiving and Christmas together and agreed these were the best holidays ever.

Because of my predilections, we deny our own sexual impulses. Has this led to depressing, claustrophobic repression? No. We enjoy each other’s company immensely. It has actually led to psychological health and a flourishing of our family. Did we do this for the sake of tradition? For the sake of religion? No. We did it because reason led us to resist selfish impulses and to seek the best for our children.

And wonderfully, she and I continue to regard each other as “soul mates” now, more than ever.

Over the last couple of years, I’ve found our decision to rebuild our family ratified time after time. One day as I turned to climb the stairs I saw my sixteen-year-old son walk past his mom as she sat reading in the living room. As he did, he paused and stooped down to kiss her and give her a hug, and then continued on. With two dads in the house, this little moment of warmth and tenderness would never have occurred. My varsity-track-and-football-playing son and I can give each other a bear hug or a pat on the back, but the kiss thing is never going to happen. To be fully formed, children need to be free to generously receive from and express affection to parents of both genders. Genderless marriages deny this fullness.

There are perhaps a hundred different things, small and large, that are negotiated between parents and kids every week. Moms and dads interact differently with their children. To give kids two moms or two dads is to withhold from them someone whom they desperately need and deserve in order to be whole and happy. It is to permanently etch “deprivation” on their hearts.

Rich Versus Diminished Lives

Sexuality is fluid for many, and much more complex than many want to acknowledge. Gay and straight activists alike pretend this isn’t true in order to fortify their positions. If they fail to maintain that mirage, fundraising for their organizations might dry up, as would the requests for television and radio interviews. Yet the “B” in the middle of “LGBT” acknowledges an important reality concerning our human sexuality.

Here’s a very sad fact of life that never gets portrayed on Glee or Modern Family: I find that men I know who have left their wives as they’ve come out of the closet often lead diminished, and in some cases nearly bankrupt, lives—socially, familially, emotionally, and intellectually. They adjust their entire view of the world and their role within it in order to accommodate what has become the dominant aspect of their lives: their homosexuality. In doing so, they trade rich lives for one-dimensional lives. Yet this is what our post-modern world has taught us to do. I went along with it for a long while, but slowly turned back when I witnessed my life shrinking and not growing.

What Now?

In our day, prejudice against gays is just a very faint shadow of what it once was. But the abolition of prejudice against gays does not necessarily mean that same-sex marriage is inevitable or optimal. There are other avenues available, none of which demands immediate, sweeping, transformational legislation or court judgments.

We are in the middle of a fierce battle that is no longer about rights. It is about a single word, “marriage.”

Two men or two women together is, in truth, nothing like a man and a woman creating a life and a family together. Same-sex relationships are certainly very legitimate, rewarding pursuits, leading to happiness for many, but they are wholly different in experience and nature.

Gay and lesbian activists, and more importantly, the progressives urging them on, seek to redefine marriage in order to achieve an ideological agenda that ultimately seeks to undefine families as nothing more than one of an array of equally desirable “social units,” and thus open the door to the increase of government’s role in our lives.

And while same-sex marriage proponents suggest that the government should perhaps just stay out of their private lives, the fact is, now that children are being engineered for gay and lesbian couples, a process that involves multiple other adults who have potential legal custody claims on these children, the potential for government’s involvement in these same-sex marriage households is staggering.

Solomon only had to split the baby in two. In the future, judges may have to decide how to split children into three, four, or five equal pieces. In Florida, a judge recently ordered that the birth certificate of a child must show a total of three parents—a lesbian couple and a gay man (the sperm-providing hairdresser of one of the lesbian moms). Expect much more of this to come.

Statists see great value in slowly chipping away at the bedrock of American culture: faith and family life. The more that traditional families are weakened in our daily experience by our laws, the more that government is able to freely insert itself into our lives in an authoritarian way. And it will.

Mark Regnerus, a sociologist at the University of Texas at Austin, recently said, “I think you can have social stability without many intact families, but it’s going to be really expensive and it's going to look very ‘Huxley-Brave New World-ish.’ So [the intact family is] not only the optimal scenario … but it’s the cheapest. How often in life do you get the best and the cheapest in the same package?”

Marriage is not an elastic term. It is immutable. It offers the very best for children and society. We should not adulterate nor mutilate its definition, thereby denying its riches to current and future generations.

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21 Responses

  1. Elissa Krawczyszyn

    Doug, Thank you so very much for taking the time to share your life story. It was an uplifting and intelligent article. I look forward to reading it with my youth group soon. Dr Elissa Armitage

  2. Mike Cardy

    Doug, I applaud your honesty and courage in achieving what you have and in documenting it. Your comments are comprehensive and far reaching. I hope that those who are sitting on the fence take the time to read your comments and begin to understand exactly what the term marriage really means.
    Our children are the future of the earth and to interfere with their balanced upbringing would be selfish, misguided and absolute folly.

  3. Jacqueline

    Thank you Doug, for standing up for marriage. You have articulated it well. I truly believe that children need both a father and a mother to be whole and to receive the richness of life.
    With the definition of marriage being threatened and thus the fabric of society as a whole, it is very worrying for the generations to come.

  4. Allan Mottram

    I am very disappointed that i can not print a copy of your information on
    a, A4 sheet of paper which would make it much easier to read in
    standard print and print more information regarding the broken marriage
    problems and disturbed children.

    • AMF

      We will look into that, thanks Allan.

  5. Adam and Steve

    I certainly believe in freedom of speech and freedom of belief.
    Jesus said He who hath cast no sin shall cast the first rock/
    Jesus also said – Treat others as you would like to be treated – or I think – Do unto others as you would have others done unto you

    As a gay man – I was born this way- I had two choices in life – be honest and live a life of integrity or live a life of a lie – maybe marry a woman have children – and when the phyical need to sex with another man got too much go out and have some furtive physical enounter in a park or a public toilet.

    No I choose to be me and to live my life for me.

    In doing so I have harmed no one.

    I have never taken drugs or stolen or commited acts of violence

    At 32 I met a man who I have lived with (been married to) for 20 years.

    We are accepted by our families, friends, neighbours (and we live in the western suburbs of sydney not a gay ghetto) and our work colleagues.

    In essense we are responsible good citizens.

    We work, we own our house, we pay taxes, we volunteer, we give to charity.

    I do not protest at your churchs – nor do I campaign for your way of life to be changed.

    So why do that to do.

    If you do not want a gay marriage – do not have one – but you do not have the right to choose how I live.

    Please pray on this – I am sure the good Lord will show you the way forward – love on another as I have loved you – and remember there is only one judge – and you will be judged for your actions on judgement day

    • Marriage between man and woman is ordained of God and the family is central to the creators plan for the Eternal destiny of his children. One of Satans cunning methods of undermining the work of the Lord is to attack the sacred institutions of marriage and the family. GODS word does not change!!!!
      Leviticus 18
      Read this chapter, Homosexual behavior and other sexual perversions are an abomination…..

  6. Mich

    That was really thought-provoking. Thanks for your honest (and well-articulated) thoughts, Doug. and thanks for sharing, AMF! 🙂

  7. Catia

    I felt touched by your article and once again i felt there is not only one truth.
    But I’m not GLBT and my opinion about same sex marriage is based on the fact that we can’t choose who we fell in love with, it just happen. Like it happen that i’m 39 and i never think about to have a family myself. It just happen.
    So i positively agree with this right and in my life i saw a lot of kids life wasted for lack of caring from parents and guardians.
    Maybe is not the ideal situation but is not better giving a chance even if with same sex parents? Would not be unfair leave them in institutions when there are a lot of couple with love to share and thinks they want to learn and transmit?
    I apologise if i sound rude, it’s not my intention but you know, i was wondering when i read about the kiss to your ex wife: part of me agree but why then dening in principle all the love of a family?

  8. Zee

    I appreciate the intellectual approach of this article. Citizens (both gay and straight), need to understand that the so called progressive authorities wouldn’t care less about human sexuality. It is simply the tool of the month to advance hidden agendas. As a straight woman, I yearn for the day that they gay community wakes up and realize that they are being used, to what end, we do not know.

  9. Thank you. Just thank you.

  10. Thoughtful reflection. I think that most straight people just focus on the sexual aspect of same sex unions and fail to see the relationship as a commitment of heart and mind. I’m not referring to casual sex here. My nephew is gay and had to leave his country of birth to be able to legally be with his man. Sexual orientation isn’t a choice, it’s biological. Why must straights want to deny gays legal commitment to a love relationship? Even though I am a Christian and technically it’s a no-no in the Bible, we must remember that God is LOVE. To deny a gay couple the right to committed love seems to me too harsh. To say that only a man and a woman in marriage can give children the right environment to grow up – these people must have blinkers on and not see the abuse perpretated by such families which so often in the news makes us want to retch. When it comes to the best way how a child is raised it depends entirely on the motives and actions of the person/persons raising that child. I for one grew up without a father,as he died when I was young. My mother didn’t remarry nor bring other partners home. I think I am quite stable despite having had an incomplete family. “Judge ye not, for so you will be judged.” There’s too much prejudice in the world as it is.

    • Vee

      you forgot “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:6. Taking one truth to ignore another truth is ignorant. What you did was interpreting “God is love” into an approval sin. “God is love” is all about loving sinners even when they sinned (e.g. practise homosexuality). God loves sinners but hates sins, so He hopes that we will repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness instead of bargaining with God to make homosexuality not a sin.

  11. I appreciate your story.

    In my personal experience i have seen tenderness such as you describe in same sex homes.

    In my personal experience, my gay friends with Kids ALL have full and loving relationships with all parents involved in their conception and upbringing. In addition they all have relationships with all living grandparents and step grandparents! In fact I can count on two hands the same sex couples I know in this situation. I am yet to encounter the surrogate scenario that I read about in the press and of course is a real experience in which, no you may not have the mother son bond but other bonds are just as strong.

    In addition, I have female friends who are bypassing traditional relationships to spawn children via donor sperm. These children, in my experience do not have male role models in the home and in some cases their extended family.

    I myself am a fatherless child of the 70s with limited male role models. I am heterosexual and separated. My family is stronger, more loving and healthier separated than it was in marriage

    SSM is not a child’s issue yet by alienating these loving families from what is deemed “normal” when our society has already changed.

    For certaint to me – in preventing SSM we are doing our sociey further disservice in not addressing issues that affect us all – the first in my mind is domestic violence.

    DV is much more prevalent and doing great damage to today’s generation and future generations. Why is Dv not being addressed at all levels of government and without the open debate that we need to have that is being spent persecuting ourselves,
    Members of our own family (Tony Abbott), our friends, colleagues and leaders?

  12. For crying out loud SOLOMON DIDN’T CUT ANY BABIES IN HALF. If you actually READ IT, it says this,
    And the king said, “Bring me a sword.” So a sword was brought before the king. And the king said, “Divide the living child in two, and give half to the one and half to the other.” Then the woman whose son was alive said to the king, because her heart yearned for her son, “Oh, my Lord, give her the living child, and by no means put him to death.” But the other said, “He shall be neither mine nor yours; divide him.” Then the king answered and said, “Give the living child to the first woman, and by no means put him to death; she is his mother.”
    1 Kings 3:24‭-‬27

    Can people stop saying that kind Solomon is a child murderer now?!

    • Darn it, KING solomon. Stupid autocorrect.

  13. Congratulations you seem to have this thing called life all under control… other than the accepting that people are entitled to do what they choose- particularly when it impacts so LITTLE on others. When you dismount moral mountain and pull your head out of you anus- you may, only may, be able to allow the scent of roses to curb the crap you speak. Oh and by the way my kids are adults and have provided my wife and I with adorable grandchildren-we both kiss and cuddle our kids and grandkids. Having said that thanks for confirming the world is full of different individuals – gay or not!!!!!

    • Vee

      I wouldn’t say little impact.
      1. In Canada, children are forced to attend radical sex education classes (where they are taught that gender is irrelevant) which was made compulsory after gay marriage was approved. A father who hold a different belief could not withdraw his children from such classes even when requested. (loss of freedom?) (.
      2. In Northern Ireland, a couple of Christian bakery owners were fined for declining the order to make a pro-gay marriage slogan cake after marriage was redefined. Even when they explained that their problem is not with the gay customer but with the cake itself. Thus, living out their faith = prosecution. (why not leave the Christians alone? I’m pretty sure they would not refuse to make a birthday cake for the gay man because i don’t know… birthday is not a sin in Christian belief?? )
      3. In the state of new mexico in US, a wedding photography business was fined for POLITELY refused to photograph for a lesbian couple’s wedding through an email because it’s against their belief to endorse gay marriage. Yet the lesbian couples sued the business for their refusal to photograph for the wedding.

      The legalization of gay marriage becomes coercion when it transgresses from self-satisfaction goal to forcing others to cooperate with the suggested belief.
      What is more important? Being together with the one you love (gay or not gay) or forcing others to approve your belief ? (what’s wrong with civil union?)

  14. Thanks Doug – A brave and well written article. I’m heartened to learn I’m not the only one who thinks like you.

  15. Vee

    you forgot “Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” 1 Corinthians 13:6. Taking one truth to ignore another truth is ignorant. What you did was interpreting “God is love” into an approval sin. “God is love” is all about loving sinners even when they sinned (e.g. practise homosexuality). God loves sinners but hates sins, so He hopes that we will repent of our sins and ask for forgiveness instead of bargaining with God to make homosexuality not a sin.

  16. Leo

    What really struck me in this same sex marriage debate (soon a reality in law) is the short-sightedness of the yes proponents. This inability (unwillingness?) to see short and long term consequences is really astounding and I could not have summarized those better than Doug:

    “Gay and lesbian activists, and more importantly, the progressives urging them on, seek to redefine marriage in order to achieve an ideological agenda that ultimately seeks to undefine families as nothing more than one of an array of equally desirable “social units,” and thus open the door to the increase of government’s role in our lives.”

    And this is exactly what is going to happen: opening the pandora’s box. Indeed, once one starts to think of himself/herself as being “oppressed” because of gender, sexuality, race, religion etc… then everything and anything can be claimable on these grounds. Of course, no-one should be discriminated againts because of the above-mentioned characteristics but does that mean that the marriage act should be scheduled for regular reviews and updates? I don’t think so because, as of now, the next step may be a marriage of 3 people or more (why would we deny them this Right?) with judges and the government regulating more and more our every day lives, like one of the posts described about parental rights in California. This should not be taken lightly because the more the law gets involved in anything the more complicated it gets. If you think that the law is always fair and straightforward to apply, just have a look at this unrelated example: In Queensland, people having chronic debilitating conditions may be tempted to do an Advance Health Directive which is a statement of what should be done in terms of life sustaining treatement in case they deteriorate beyond the point of having physical or mental capacity to make or communicate decisions about their medical care (e.g. in a coma). By law, medical doctors do not have to follow it if they assess it’s against good medical practice and, as for the courts, they may judge that the advance health directive is not any more relevant to the patient’s current situation!

    So having a bit of forward-thinking is not going to hurt if you do not want your kids, whatever your gender status, to live in one of this dystopian futures described in movies such as “equilibrium” or “the giver” to name a few

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