Profound insight from daughter of loving gay mother

This is a letter from a woman raised by her mother and lesbian partner, who loves them both but also identifies the injustice to children of creating in law, as a deliberate act of public policy, the fatherless or motherless family. Just consider this one insight, so profound and yet so obvious - and exactly the central concern of AMF:

This debate, at its core, is about one thing. It’s about children...
Redefining marriage redefines parenthood. It moves us well beyond our “live and let live” philosophy into the land where our society promotes a family structure where children will always suffer loss. It will be our policy, stamped and sealed by the most powerful of governmental institutions, that these children will have their right to be known and loved by their mother and/or father stripped from them in every instance. In same-sex-headed households, the desires of the adults trump the rights of the child. Have we really arrived at a time when we are considering institutionalizing the stripping of a child’s natural right to a mother and a father in order to validate the emotions of adults?

Her letter to Supreme Court Justice Kennedy is worth a quick read and long reflection, and it is HERE

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4 Responses

  1. so this woman supports the notion of an invisible friend in the sky? and she is allowed to vote?

  2. So what your saying is the only person brought up by a same sex couple that opposes gay marraige is an American Christian extremist.
    Well done, your point is lost.
    I personally know two people I went through school with who were brought up by lesbian couples. Both of them are well adjusted, highly educated and productive members of Australian society. We all turn 37 this year, in the 27 years I have known these people have their parents have never been an issue. Both are now happily married in heterosexual relationships with children of thier own. In fact I would go as far to say they lived much happier lives with thier parents than every single parent/divorced child I have ever know, myself included.

  3. Amy

    Hi,

    I have recently been browsing your website after hearing about your cause through your media advertisement.
    Upon my browsing, this particular link stuck a particular chord with me. You see, I too am in the writer’s situation; I too am a child of a gay household. I too experienced the divorce of my parents and the introduction of a same-sex relationship in my immediate household.

    However, my situation differed slightly.

    I can only assume from the writer’s tone that the divorce between her parents was heartbreakingly traumatic. Perhaps they fought a lot, or they did not separate civilly. Perhaps her parents would speak ill of the other, making her feel torn between them. I don’t know her personally, so I don’t know. My experience was less traumatic. It was stressful and upsetting at the time, of course; I was young and didn’t quite understand what was happening. The difference is my parents remained very close friends. They still loved each other, they were just no longer in love. I saw both my mother and father frequently, and we were always very positive and happy when all of us would get together.

    The cause for my parents’ divorce was that my mother fell in love with a woman. At the time that this happened, I was attending a particularly conservative church who would reiterate to me again and again that homosexuality was an “abomination”. As a teenager, you can imagine how torn I felt: I had a mother who I have always admired and looked up to being slandered by the church group I called my family. I didn’t know how to respect my mother, as the Bible instructs, when the people around me were telling me her actions – her love – was disgusting, a sin, an abomination.

    For about 6 months I would not speak to my mother’s new partner. I refused to even acknowledge her. I felt I was justified in my arrogance. Whenever I felt disheartened or guilty that I was hurting her (and, by extension, my mother), I would speak to my church leaders who would tell me I was doing the right thing.

    Even now, I feel deeply ashamed of my behaviour towards her then. She openly loved me as her own daughter and I was too caught up in my own prejudice to care. I pushed her love away because I was told I shouldn’t want it.

    Inadvertently, I got to know my new step-mother. I saw the love that my mother had for this woman and I began, organically, to respect their relationship. In fact, so did my sister. So did my father. So did my step-siblings. I began to see that their relationship was not about sex, as I had always believed was the core of homosexuality, but that it was a relationship based on mutual respect, happiness and deep, true love. I began to realise that being a lesbian wasn’t a choice for my mother (or indeed for anyone). In fact, I saw a great weight lift from her shoulders when she ‘came out’ to us; she didn’t need to hide or struggle anymore.

    I have absolutely no doubt that my mother loves me and my siblings more than anything else in the world. In fact, I have come to believe that one of her motivations for talking to us openly about her sexuality was to show us that we should never be afraid to be who we truly are. From that I took inspiration, and for that I thank her.

    Over time, my opinions on homosexuality began to change. I no longer simply accepted that it was “abhorrent”, and began to think critically about the messages that were being taught in the church I attended. I had new, fresh knowledge that a committed homosexual relationship was as much about love as any heterosexual marriage or relationship. It was not about sex in the same way a heterosexual marriage is not about sex. Both relationships involve sex, but they are both built on mutual respect, kindness, selflessness, encouragement and love. Both are real, both are natural, both are organic, and both deserve to have the same rights. The structure of the relationship is the same – the only thing that differs is genitals.

    Children of same-sex parents receive the same amount of love and support that children of heterosexual relationships do; the child will grow up in a safe, structured environment. The writer speaks of a deep longing for what she calls the ‘missing’ parent, and for some children it may be true, particularly when they are constantly being told that a heterosexual parentage is what they should want. If you tell a child “You should be sad you don’t have a traditional father. Aren’t you sad?” often enough, they will eventually feel that way. However, it you tell a child “Aren’t you happy you have a loving family!” they will be happy. This was the case for me.

    Ultimately, my situation differed from that of the writer’s because I don’t feel as though I lost anything. While I was sad at the time that my parents got divorced, I no longer look back at that time and see loss – on the contrary, I see gain. I gained a strong, wonderful step-mother who I love and who has been a rock for me in hard times. I gained a younger brother and sister, both of whom I adore and cannot imagine being without. I gained perspective about a love of which I had no understanding. I gained a closeness with my mother that I had never imagined before. I did not feel a sense of longing for myself, for I couldn’t imagine anything else that I could need. I am a better person because of my mother’s relationship. I am a better daughter, a better sister, a better friend and will one day make a better wife because I have her example to look to.

    Now, I am not presumptuous in assuming that all experiences are like mine. But I wanted to share my story with you. The writer and myself had very similar beginnings, but we came to very different conclusions: While she concluded that gay marriage would mean that “adult feelings would trump children’s rights”, I concluded that adult feelings – in this case meaning social equality – would inspire children to be strong and confident in themselves. Children have a right to a stable household that is filled with love, encouragement and support – both heterosexual and homosexual parenting models provide these fundamental rights. The writer lamented a deep longing for the ‘missing parent’, whereas I find myself only longing for one thing: That I can be my mother’s bridesmaid when she walks down the aisle towards the woman she loves.

    I have no doubt that my comment is unlikely to be posted. But both sides of the argument are important and this is my honest, unadulterated story of being a child in a same-sex household.

    • admin

      Of course your comment will be posted – that is beautifully written, thank you.

      i note that you were able to keep in frequent touch with both your mother and your father. A child like Zach, created from an anonymous egg donor in India by Sir Elton John and his male ‘married’ partner David Furnish, can never know a mother at all. That is what the institution of gay marriage / adoption / surrogacy means, and that is what we oppose at AMF.

      I also note that you describe your home with your mother and her lesbian partner to be stable and secure. That is good, and many de facto couples – whether gay or straight – provide stable secure homes for children of previous unions. Where, then, is the need of these de facto couples – whether gay or straight – to get a certificate from government entitled ‘married’?

      We want ‘marrriage’ to stay a man-woman thing because we think a child should have the chance of both a mum and a dad. You had that chance. Baby Zach did not.

      Thank you again for your thoughtful contribution.

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